Change Your Filter

Like the air filter or oil filter in our car, periodically filters must be cleaned or changed all together in order to maintain a good flow of air or oil.  Otherwise, your car could overheat resulting in an unnecessary breakdown and expensive repairs.

Relationships can be tough. Some of the toughest ones to navigate are family relationships; parents, spouse, siblings, and children. Our close friendships are not always easy either.

I have often found that the only way to get past an issue with someone is to "change my filter."  This idea simply means to change the way I think about them. For example, maybe I don't necessarily feel the love from someone or maybe I have even been genuinely hurt.  In an attempt to bridge the gap between us, I will eventually give them the benefit of the doubt in order to move on and try to think of them from a place of love rather than a place of disapproval. In essence, I am "changing my filter." It is a decision that I must consciously make. Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision. This thinking is a major mind shift that requires some healthy self-talk and some pushing down of pride. In other words, not an easy task.  And I have yet to master it because I am human and sometimes I just want to be "right!"

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, "Love is patient..."  and that is where I already have a problem. I am not a very patient person by nature, but I have learned the hard way that a degree of patience is needed in order to sustain permanent relationships. God knew He would need to spell out the exact requirements for healthy relationships, otherwise people like me would look for a loop-hole! The passage goes on to say, "not self-seeking" and "keeps no record of wrongs." These clauses mean "changing your filter" and that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Sometimes we want to be shown love in the precise way that we ideally receive it but ignore the failed attempts of the one trying to genuinely be a friend or make amends. We need to get to a place where we can accept people where they are. I'm not saying adopt their lifestyle, or agree with everything they say and do, but treat them with respect and genuinely show them love and receive  the love they offer.

This idea is a tall order, I know, but it is possible. I have seen people who interact with each other over the years fall into the same old trap of resentment about something that happened a long time ago. It is almost as if they are waiting on something from the other person, like an acknowledgement or apology, for that offense to be mended. The resolution they continue to wait for may never come. There must be forgiveness. Life goes on.

Let's not waste another minute trying to figure out how to change other people or how to persuade their thinking to be more like ours. Love them where they are and if necessary, change your filter.


-Paula